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Wednesday, 16 September 2009

  • Liars and Sheep and Humility ... oh my!

    "Why won't he just admit the truth?" I griped as I read through another e-mail that landed in my inbox with the echo of a snarl.

    "I mean, I'm sure there are legitimate reasons for the point he's making, but seriously, why not list those? Why does he have to hold onto this smokescreen like a doberman defending a bone?" I mulled it over and over in my head, trying to understand and failing miserably.

    It really bothered me, and I couldn't figure out why I felt such a strong need to argue my point rather than being willing to walk away from the disagreement. Because, walking away and letting it go is the smarter thing to do in this case, for sure.

    So, I ruminated. You know, that thing sheep do as they chew something, swallow it, then regurgitate it so they can chew it again, then swallow it again, then ... you get the picture ... until finally they've gotten all the nutritive value they can out of a mouthful and the meal seeps all the way into their system.

    A couple of days passed and then, with the suddenness of a "regurgitation" shall we say, a wave of realization hit me. "This irritates me because I've experienced this before!" (Note to self: if something is driving you crazy and you can't seem to let it go, it's probably because it's touching a sore spot that hasn't properly healed.)

    "So that's it!" I thought as a flood of memories reminded me of the last time I'd been frustrated by someone who wouldn't shoot straight, who tenaciously clung to reasoning they thought sounded "Christian" but reeked of self interest and pride.

    As I chewed on that thought for a while, I realized there was going to be no dealing with the current situation without praying my way through the past. So, somewhat reluctantly, I asked the Lord to touch the sore places in my heart and heal them, all the way this time. I don't want to carry the pain around forever, like some kind of a badge of self-imposed martyrdom.

    Letting go means releasing the offender from having to pay me the debt for their sin and trusting Jesus to cover it with the blood of His forgiveness. It doesn't change the fact that someone sinned, but it keeps me from holding onto it to my detriment. Someone said once, "Holding onto bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." I didn't believe everything that man said, but he sure nailed it on this point.

    So I swallowed a good dose of forgiveness for both past and present, and was ready to move on from that lesson. "Not so fast," the Lord said as another emotional wave of nausea hit me. With a fresh taste of frustration, I realized there was more nourishment to glean from this exercise, more to understand before moving past this meal of grace.

    "What made you feel so angry toward these people, Lauren?" the Lord seemed to say.

    "Well, the way they cling so hard to something that isn't true and think that I'm not smart enough to see through their twisted logic. I mean, it's so obvious that what they are calling "the reason" isn't the real reason at all. And I hate feeling manipulated along by their little charade. I wish they'd just tell the truth."

    "Exactly," the Spirit whispered gently to my soul. "That's exactly how I feel when you make excuses for your sin, when you lie to me about the reasons rather than simply admitting the truth. I see right through your twisted, sin-marred logic, Lauren. Just be honest with me. It's so very much easier that way."

    Oh my ...

    Do you ever have those moments when you're brought face to face with the darkness of your own heart and it leaves you speechless, maybe even nauseated? Over the past year I've seen so much deception and manipulation and lies in others and it's made me sick. So, I think I have a pretty good idea of how God feels when I act the same way.

    Mercy ... that's what I need, and grace, both to lay down the bitterness I've been carrying and to humbly confess that I too am a liar. And a sheep, for that matter ... pretty simple and silly and desperately in need of a loving Shepherd who knows what I need for better than I do.

    I'm so glad He loves me. Enough to keep bringing difficult situations into my life because they make it  easier to identify my own blind spots (they are often the same things that drive me crazy when I see them in others.) So Lord, give me grace to humble myself, repent and learn this lesson. I don't want to be a lying sheep.

    "Savior, like a Shepherd lead me, much I need Thy tender care; in Thy pleasant pastures feed me ... I am Thine; do Thou befriend me, be the Guardian of my way; keep Thy flock, from sin defend me, seek me when I go astray ..." Thank you, Jesus, for liars and sheep and humility and the way You use all of it to make me more like You. You amaze me.

     

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

  • Remembering Annelise

    She would have been 6 today ... but it still feels like yesterday that Amy walked into my office to break the news that our sister's new baby girl had arrived and didn't have long to live. A shocking numbness rolled over me that only intensified over the next hours as the news took root in my soul with penetrating reality. God's grace carried us through the 52 hours and 15 minutes we had with her in this life and all too soon we stood on the brink of eternity to say goodbye.

    I think of Annelise often, but especially on her birthday.

    She would have been 6 today ... and I wonder if she would have been like any of her siblings. Would she have been responsible and creative like Lydia, or maybe quiet and fond of animals like Chloe? Would she have enjoyed playing sports with big brother Christian? I imagine her hair would've had blond highlights to contrast with her blue eyes to go along with a bright smile like the older kids. I think she would have adored her cousin, Geneva.

    And, I wonder ... had she lived to turn 6 today ... would God have sent Ava Cate as an angelic balm for our souls just 16 months later or our little linebacker, Gabriel, who made his debut 2 years ago? Would we be preparing to welcome another little one any day now? I will always be grateful that God gave Julianne and Jamie the courage to have more children. We all would have understood had they decided the risk to their hearts was too great to try again. They are my heroes.

    Although her moments with us were oh-so-short, the memories are stored up tight to last for a lifetime, 'til we see her again and maybe God lets her conduct the welcome tour in heaven ~ along with her great-grandparents who have been watching over her. I, of course, have no idea how it all really works, you know ... time, eternity and heaven. But I'm thinking about these things because, had it been different, she would have been 6 today.

    Annelise Joy, "grace consecrated to God with joy," taught me deep lessons during her short life. I hold the others closer now, try not to get impatient but to temper my response to their interruptions, their random questions, the way the littlest ones jostle me as they try to get comfortable on my lap for a story. The simplest things are gifts, you know?

    I learned from Annelise that you don't need to be perfect to be loved; you just need to be helpless enough to let others love you ... no pretenses, no walls. I didn't know you could fall in love so fast. And, I saw that family and connectedness is worth fighting for and treasuring because those are the people you want with you when your world implodes, and you question everything you thought you ever knew, and there's no surviving it alone.

    It makes me happy to think of her safely home in heaven and never having to live in a world so deeply marred by sin. But I do miss her ~ so very much ~ because, she would have been 6 today.

Sunday, 02 August 2009

  • reflections on tapalpa

    I spent some moments just remembering during my time in Mexico last weekend:

    • my trip to the ER with a panic attack this time last year
    • the pressures that swamped me last fall and confirmed God's leading to resign from my work at the church
    • the quiet days this Winter/Spring when I spent so much time processing and trying to function with a shattered heart
    • the spark of something - hope, perhaps? - when my dad asked me to join him in leading the conference in Colima this Spring
    • the delight of falling in love with the people and mission on that first trip to Mexico
    • the excitement of anticipating this return trip
    • and savoring the joy of seeing my Mexican friends again and feeling so at home with them

    In the midst of remembering, I also had sessions to teach. Preparing for them took plenty of time over the past months, time reading, meditating, drafting notes, praying. And, then came the wonder of sharing truth with these sisters only to realize that I was "preaching" to my own heart after all. Our sovereign and good God set up this opportunity for me to encourage others knowing it was the best way for Him to get me in His Word. He pulled my gaze outward after months of introspection and that in turn shifted it upward, to Him.

    The weekend held lots of time for visiting, relaxing, exploring the charming little town of Tapalpa (in the mountains about 2 hours from Guadalajara), recalling the goodness of God and planning prayerfully for the future. The 10 women who participated in the retreat are all precious, with unique gifts and abilities, united by a passion to see the young women of Mexico know and love their great God. I can hardly wait to see how God - Who wastes nothing - uses both their dreams and mine to bless this nation in the coming years.

    A couple months ago, God laid a couple verses from Psalm 31 on my heart and they're now on my clipboard so I can keep them in front of me throughout the day:

    "I will be glad and rejoice in Your mercy:
    for You have considered my trouble;
    You have known my soul in adversities;
    And have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy:
    You have set my feet in a large room. "
    Psalm 31:7-8

    I'm more aware than ever that God never breaks our hearts arbitrarily. Pain, change, disappointment and all that come with those unwelcome gifts serve only to shape us more into the image of Christ which, in the hands of our Loving Heavenly Father, is a blessed thing. Knowing God doesn't keep us from trouble, but it gives us joy and showers us with mercy in the midst of it.

    Preparing to teach through the book of Ruth reminded me of these things, as well as the fact that we're not likely to live to see all that God will do with the circumstances, relationships and heartaches we find in the valleys He leads us through. But He is good. He has a plan. In His generosity, we get to share in the plan and occasionally glimpse some of meaning. And we can be confident, that the place where He's leading is a "large room" full of blessings for us and for many we will never meet.


Sunday, 19 July 2009

  • Some small everyday battle

    Wow ... when I drafted the last post I had no idea so much time would slip by before the next. The past few weeks have flown as I've dug into the new job and adjusted to both the office "down south" and working from home. Friday I got to see proofs of the first set of projects I've developed and it was fun to see them off the computer screen and in my hands. The way I understand it, I'm writing curriculum for our sales team to market to prospective students. When those students start buying it, the company takes off and we all get a raise. So, needless to say, I'm motivated to forge full-speed ahead.

    At the same time, I've been preparing for another trip to Mexico. This time a few hand-picked leaders and I will spend the weekend "retreating" at a house in the mountains looking to the ancient wisdom of the Scriptures to lead us forward as we seek to understand the ministry God has in mind for discipling the next generation of Mexican women.

    A lot of what I'm planning to share grew out of books I've read by Carolyn Custis James, a wise theologian whose insights have revolutionized my understanding of God's view of women, generally, and the stories of women in the Bible, specifically.     At the end of her book, The Gospel of Ruth, she makes this statement about the lives of Naomi, Ruth and Boaz: " ... And you never know when some small everyday battle you are fighting may turn the tide for the kingdom in a big way."

    "Some small everyday battle ..." really resonates with me as I continue to reflect on all the changes I've experienced in the past year and the battles I'm still facing as I seek to put to rest the pain of the past and move forward with peace. So much of what I've gone through makes little sense right now. In fact, I wonder if I'll ever really understand what God was up to when He shook me out of my comfort zone at the church and led me away from what had become my life.

    But, the testimonies of these 3 saints stand as a vivid reminder that
    • we never have all the facts;
    • God is always up to something much bigger and grander than I can imagine;
    • He redeems everything; and
    • when we see things from His perspective an eternity from now, we'll be incredibly humbled by all the ways He worked in and through our small battles to bless the world.
    There are any number of examples of God's providence in the book of Ruth, but here's one that struck me today as I was considering Ruth as one of the women mentioned in the line of Christ. The women whose names Matthew cataloged were not likely candidates, but God's saving grace is written all over their testimonies:

    Tamar - twice-widowed woman who seduced her father-in-law, became pregnant with twins, raised her boys to serve the Lord

    Rahab - Canaanite prostitute who lost everything when God used His people to wipe out hers, married one of Tamar's great, great, great grandsons, raised her son Boaz to be a "worthy" man: a humble leader who helped a poor immigrant widow provide for her devastated mother-in-law

    Ruth - descended from an incestuous relationship between Lot and his oldest daughter, belonged to a nation described as an enemy of God and His people; one who left everything to follow Yahweh and found her hope and salvation in Him and among His people; birthed the grandfather of Israel's greatest king

    Bathsheba - raised in the faith yet fallen in adultery but redeemed by God's mercy to raise a son whose wisdom would become the stuff of legends

    Mary - traded in her reputation in response to a radical call to obedience; suffered in silence yet now humbled, I'm sure, to see how her small part in the story of redemption changed the world

    Then there are all those without names, those who had no "dramatic testimony" yet unknowingly played a part in the greatest rescue mission in all of history. Even Eve is part of Christ's lineage, reminding us that nothing we do places us beyond the reach of our great God's redeeming love.

    I'm sure it never crossed the minds of these women that the small, everyday battles they faced were integral parts of God's wise, sovereign and loving plan. And, I know it rarely crosses mine. But, I'm praying that what was true for Ruth is true for me: out of life's deepest pain comes God's perfect plan and what seemed like the end of everything was just the beginning. Lord, give me strength to keep fighting for faithfulness in the daily battles that your blessing and glory might continue to spread through the world in ways I could never imagine.



Sunday, 31 May 2009

  • new roads

    This weekend I needed to make a quick trip back to Dallas to get the stitches removed from my leg. My new boss was kind enough to let me leave early but taking the normal route would have put me in Austin right at Friday afternoon rush hour. For anyone who's ever suffered through Austin at rush hour, you understand why I was eager to find an alternate route!

    So Friday afternoon/evening found me tooling my way through the hill country, headed north on highway 281. If you ever need to make that drive and can afford to take a few extra minutes, the vistas are well worth it! Such beautiful countryside: wide open spaces, rolling hills, bright blue skies ... it almost made the drive fun (even if I have done 4 round trips in the past 5 weeks!).

    The recent road trips have given me plenty of time for reflection. I love letting my mind unwind and amble where it will while my body is on autopilot with little to do but sit there. As the miles passed Friday afternoon I couldn't help but compare this new route with the old one. I was reminded that, whatever the reason for taking new roads, I can choose to enjoy the journey. And quite possibly, I'll discover along the way that the new road has advantages over the known route. Either will lead me to my destination, but this time I really enjoyed the fresh perspective, lower stress, and unexpected beauties of the "road less travelled."

    That was an encouraging thought since so many "new roads" are popping up in life's landscape right now.

    My first week in the new job was fantastic. The owners are friendly, encouraging, professional; absolutely positive that lack of vision and leadership will not be issues here! And, it's been tons of fun working with my brother. He set up the computer so pictures of George Clooney pop up when I boot it up each morning and introduced me to the wonders of Pandora Internet radio. What a guy! And, his sweet wife has gone out of her way to make me feel comfortable in their home, even fixing smoothies for me in the morning and having dinner ready for us when we get home in the evenings. They won't let me pay rent but were willing to accept free babysitting, so I'm enjoying lots of time with my adorable niece as well.

    There's a part of me that wants to rush forward to see what waits around the next bend and another part that still has feelings about finding myself on a new road rather than continuing in the familiar path. But the Lord keeps reminding me that taking one day at a time is my only option. Worrying about the future belongs nowhere. I need to trust Him to lead me to the right destination on the road He knows is best. And He so wants me to enjoy - not just endure - the journey! Whatever journey you're on this week, I hope you'll invite joy as your travelling companion.

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